un_bateau_ivre

yeah, there's nothing that big or bad going on you guys, I just have mono and it sucks. sorry to post the emo roast... i guess i've just been getting kind of depressed sitting around at the house all day by myself, waiting to be well, it seems like i'll never be well.

roar, even though I feel much better i'm still not allowed to go out and hang out... so far one person has come to visit me, which was very nice... today should be less bad than yesterday because I have an awesome book to read now. Anyway i just grumbled out of bed and i should take a shower or eat something.

happy tuesdaY!

i need a hug

this morning ive been having thoughts about moving to eugene. ok so i've been having thoughts about moving to eugene for some time, but my thoughts are getting really concrete this morning, like i've already got a good idea of what the day I move down to stay will be like; the day before that, doing all of the laundry at this house where it's free, packing it all up in bags, making cds for the car ride, putting books into boxes...
yeah it's going to be fun...

when i'm completely well i'm going to go on a massively fun bike ride around town, maybe up college hill and then (hooray!) back down... then i will buy a bottle of wine...


-----------------------------------------------------

Well as you know i've been floored in my room for the past two weeks with mono and it's been tremendously boring, for the most part... it seems like all I do is read, play video games, chat, and drink tea...

(oh and check myspace like 50 gajillion more times than are really nessicary... but what if someone sent me a message???? www.myspace.com/thomasaurusrex)

And we all know how much I love ellipses...

So anyway, today I rode down with my mom and brother to Eugene to sign my lease for this upcoming school year: thank god, i like the place a lot. It's kinda falling apart in some ways, but they are going to fix it up for us right quick... the kitchen will be remodeled in October, and a dishwasher will be added!! woohoo!!! also they will change cabinetry and replace the counters. This will be good, because one of the counters is pretty gross. Lets just say I wouldn't cook food on it. Anyway, it has a very spacious living room and dining room (!?!?!?, first dining room i've had in eugene except for ben's kitchen, which was more of a "cooking-for-eating-in-the-living-room room." One bedroom is slightly larger/better oriented, so Alex and I played rock paper scissors and I lost. Whatever, i don't really even care all that much. I'm just happy to have a place. I even have a key in my pocket!

Then we ate out, though not at the lucky noodle because my brother is too picky! Grr, oh well we'll go back there some other time soon. We visited euphoria chocolates and I brought a truffle to Cara at R.E.I. which she seemed quite happy about =D. I like making that girl smile. I also walked on campus a little bit even though i walk slow like an old man, and breathing in all the knowledge-filled air reminded me that my life at least has some structure, direction, purpose. Ahh, purpose! Smells like... coffee grounds and moldy books, frisbees and bicycle grease, ink from the printer, and you know. Library smell. I can hardly wait to get assigned paper, what a sick fuck I am.

Then on the way home we had to take a huge detour up 99W from Corvallas because there was some sort of shooting on i5 involving a police officer and they closed down the whole freeway just north of albany. It took 4 hours to get to our house!!! (complainy-face!!!)

i've got a lot of time on my hands but yeah

i haven't used this thing in a long time even though i do come through and read people's posts often enough...

if i start using this thing again will anyone read it?

Well everyone who is shocked to see my post, I'm back in Portland Oregon for a delightful summer with the family... quite the adjustment from Eugene living having to drive everywhere and so on, but it's nice anyway. I haven't had much time to get used to it yet, or even go downtown.

Just got work at Meier & Frank for the summer too, but it's on-call and "transitional" and the hours may begin mauvaisement to decline sharply sometime around July... we'll see how that goes.

The sharp change gives me a chance to make sharp changes in my daily routines. So far they've been for the better - working on my book(s!!) every day, readin the news, hangign out with brother...

How're your summers starting out??

Love
Tom

"The one who bows and pays respect,
And the one who recievees the bow and the respect,
Both of us are empty (of a seperate self),
That is why the communion is perfect."








i'm begining to think that i don't want companionship,
rather, but the companionship of sorrow

don't drink absynth, it won't help.
don't take mean pictures.
Don't do anything as others do, for you are yourself.
Don't offer unless it's worth it.
Don't bleed unless you plan it.
Don't listen unless you'll speak.
What do we seek?
Solitude, truth, home, comfort, love?
Indifference, apathy, TV, comfort and above-
No, don't try to trick me, flesh.
We are the same.
No blame.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=upontheroof

phew. gotta write a big paper today.
hope you all are well.

sunnny!!!

Amidst the flowers a jug of wine,
I pour alone lacking companionship.
So raising the cup I invite the Moon,
Then turn to my shadow which makes three of us.
Because the Moon does not know how to drink,
My shadow merely follows the movement of my body.
The moon has brought the shadow to keep me company a while,
The practice of mirth should keep pace with spring.
I start a song and the moon begins to reel,
I rise and dance and the shadow moves grotesquely.
While I'm still conscious let's rejoice with one another,
After I'm drunk let each one go his way.
Let us bind ourselves for ever for passionless journeyings.
Let us swear to meet again far in the Milky Way.

-li po, translated from chinese

I don't understand girls;

I wouldn't understand boys either if i weren't one;

I just wish it were as simple as Joni made it sound:

I have so much love to give!

its weird when you go to sleep in the afternoon and then wake up groggily, expecting something like a new day, but... it's the same day! Who knew??

I can't feel the help yet but it was a good nap!

=)

cleaning the entire apt hoping that my anxiety is being caused by dust and gathering dishes,
but in truth... is it? ok, so caffiene may be involved as well.

"That fear should chill the heart of hearts
as long as it does so my own..."


EDIT:::

I'm suspecting the dishes, because as each one becomes clean, i feel better and better

well, crap. I slept through two classes without.. er./.. knowing anthing had happened. bad news. especially at the beginning of a week in which I had expected to rock! well... I had better start rockin' i guess. Rockin a louder alarm clock!

ok, so a cup or two of coffee should up productivity - right?
Today, having missed classes, i have no excuse but to: render my dishes & apartment clean... well, after going to the remaining classes anyway. The next one starts at noon.

well last night there was a spontaneous rave and that was pretty cool.
not that many people showed up, but everyone that did show up seemed to have a good time...
I stayed and danced for a while, but it really just felt more like a party for the people who throw the parties... I like it better when the whole pluralistic menagerie of ravers comes and glows and sparkles: it takes the spectacle, the mass of dancers, etc, i think, to produce the unique comfort that i get dancing at those parties: feeling like nobody's looking at your dancing, because your dancing is merely an extention of their own...


anyway, today starts with Jelaluddin Rumi, a mystic Sufi (islamic) poet born aroudn 1207 ad.


two poems translated from persian:

...
It's lucky enough to hearthe flutes for dancing
coming down the road. The ground is glowing.
The table is set in the yard.
We will drink all this wine tonight
because it's Spring. It is.
It's a growing sea. We're clouds
over the sea,
or flecks of matter
in the oceah when the ocean seems lit from within
I know I'm drunk when I start this ocean talk
Would you lke to see the moon split
in half with one throw?
...

Totally conscious, and apropos of nothing, you come to see me.
Is someone here? I ask.
"The moon. The full moon is inside your house."
My friends and I go running out into the street.
"Im in here," comes a voice from the house, but we arent listening.
We're looking up at the sky.
My pet nightengale sobs like a drunk in the garden
Ringdoves scatter with small cries, "Where, where."
It's midnight. The whole neighborhood is up and out
in the street thinking "The cat burglar has come back"
The actual theif is here, too, saying out loud
"Yes, the cat burglar is somewhere in the crowd."
No one pays attention.
"Lo, I am with you always" means when you look for God,
God is in the look of your eyes,
in the thought of looking, nearer to you than yourself,
or the things that have happened to you.
There's no need to go outside.
Be melting snow.
Wash yourself of yourself.
A white flower grows in the quietness.
Let your tounge become that flower.

"you never post anymore!"


:::: written by a concubine to her lord in 200-400 c.e. Japan

As the living are unfit
For commune with the gods
So I am seperated from you
Lord whom I grieve for in the morning,
So I am kept for you,
Lord whom I long for.
If you were a jewel,
I would wrap you around my wrist.
If you were a robe,
I would never take you off.
Lord whom I long for,
Last night I saw you
In a dream.

home sweet home is a warm, slightly messy apartment with a note someone (ok so it was me) left that says "Welcome back!" and a happy face. there isn't anything really in the fridge, but who cares.

spring break was interesting: i will only miniupdate for it now
the first weekend i rode with nice ppl from craigslist, other students, to san francisco; a perfectly fine ride, except for the part where we spun out at 85 and did a 720 in the meridian of i5... yeah, that was fun... how exactly did i keep my laptop in my lap again?

anyway save (god-willing) in san francisco led me to see some old friends, a Casey Jones and an Emma b. and meet their friends; it was fantastic, great parties and company and good to see what ppl are up to these days.

then the bus to san diego to be with liz on monday...
too complicated to post about, really... though i'd note that i saw the oprah Carmen, which was awesome, and found out that her & I are changing and what one wants only a friend... so now we're freinds...

so yesterday i got on a bus at 8:50 am in oceanside, california...

and I just got here, around 30 minutes ago, back in sweet, sweet eugene

I am going to Portland this weekend.
That is all.

Parisian Landscape

To make me eclogues proper, I must sleep
hard by heaven - like the astrologers -
and being the belfries' neighbor, hear in my dreams
their solomn anthems fading on the wind.
My garret view, perused attentively,
reveals the workshops and their singing slaves,
the city's masts - steeples and chimneypots -
and above that fleet, a blue eternity-

How sweet to see the first star in the sky,
the first lamp at the window through the mist,
the coalsmoke streaming upward, and the moon
shedding a pale enchantment on it all!
From there I'll watch the easy seasons pass
and when the tedious winter draws snows me in,
I'll close my shutters, draw the curtains snug,
and build my Spanish castles in the dark,
dreaming of alluring distances,
of sobbing fountains and of birds that sing
endless obbligatos to my trysts-
of everything in Idylls that's inane!
A revolution down the street will not
distract me from my desk, for I shall be
committed to that almost carnal joy
of fastening the springtime to my will,
drawing the sun from my heart, and by my zeal
persuading Paris to become a South.

Tuesdaytuesdaytuesday

I can sense deep down in my core somehow that there are going to be some changes.

Strange. It's supposed to snow.

I wonder what they'll be. I mean, employment seems obvious, or hopeful, but i don't know
if these are nessicarily the positive kinds of changes. We'll see...


Today just has a strange feeling to it maybe and i'm projecting all sorts of nonsense onto that feeling and making it into a big dark colorful cloud. I should just let it be a cloud, grey, and pass by.

The past 10 days have been a lot of emotional confusion.
It's really getting old.

Maybe I have been looking for something to write about in all the wrong places.

Maybe I've just been lonely.